#3 - Comforter Girl

Tale #3 - Comforter Girl

October 23th, 2009 - Age 18

     This tale is one of my finest instances of bro, and had become a staple for my bro-cred during my freshman year at college. 2 years later and it still comes up. You are probably asking yourself, "Brosner, what the hell could be so god damn awesome that you provide such a dramatic intro?", and I can sum that question up in two words, "Comforter Girl". I'll let Broking Sheen sum this one up, "I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies."

     8:30 p.m. - Snowman and I have both finished our classes, feasted on some shit cafeteria food, and had begun pounding back natty light for the past hour. All the while, Beaner is in a combination of awe and shock at our display of drinking, just as when you first saw R Kelly lubricating women.

     9:45 p.m. - At this point we have been drinking for the past 3 hours and had no destination until Snowman gets the sacred text, "BYOB 10pm my place". What's "my place" you ask, the same god damn place we spent our first night of college, rage as fuck.

     10:00 p.m. - Snowman and I embark on our epic quest to slam brew, slay muff, and be general raging assholes. The walk was filled with yelling, throwing, and crashing into things, just like Tiger Woods's marriage.

The following timeline is not exact due to the shit-housed status you will come to read, but

a good assumption of when the acts transpired, and a faithful retelling I've collected from most of the attendees: 

     10:30 p.m. - We arrive, and crash the damn door down as if Rosie O' Donnell was coming for us. Immediately we garner unwanted looks, but like any bro knows, you don't give a flying fuck. We commence a beeline for the fridge and find a god damn haven of brew, it was as if an Amsterdam pub stocked up in this apartments coolbox: Miller Light, Bud Light, Natty Light, Natty Ice, Yuengling, Blue Moon, ShockTop, Landshark Lager, and a bunch of other shit including the drink of the bro-hater: Heineken.

     10:35p.m. - We proceed throughout the standard bro-creed that is the run through of every bros party entrance. Met the people through ways other then talking, swiped brew, beer pong. We move over to the table that we once ran 17-0, and witness a sorry display in front of us. Most people and I say MOST people would let these fucks finish, but no, Snowman and I demanded they finish in three shots or get the fuck off the table.

     10:37 p.m. - We kicked them off, drank both teams remaining beer, and began yelling at the people in the party that we demand victims. A pair of bro-haters roll up opposite and began lining their cups up in the 6 cup formation. Snowman without hesitation calls them "Fucking Pussy Fucks" for lining up 6 instead of our 10 cup standard. They have a look of worry but proceed to line up 10, confessing they have never played 10 cup. Snowman and I exchange looks and line up eye to eye, and you best fucking believe we banked that shit. After this game, we went out back smoked a bowl and returned to the table.

         

     11:30 p.m. -We have moved into deadly range of drunk as we had run 11 games in a row and were an all time 28-0 in this apartment. However the next team that lined up was a different animal from the little bro-hater shits we were previously playing, we were up against another group of bros, and not just any bros, life-long bros from the University of Alabama. These guys were solid, not missing an easy shot, and having correct re-rack strategy. Being hammered, and stoned, we had a problem on our hands.

   
     11:50 p.m. - 28-1, and 3 shots of Johnny Walker Black later, I was a somewhat demoralized bro. However instead of being a pissed asshole, I decided to turn it on and start scoping the scene for random slam piece sluts. Snowman within five minutes of leaving the table had already snagged a slam piece and had left the apartment and was heading toward the train station to catch a midnight pound town express.

     12:00 p.m. - I sit down at the Ring of Fire table prepared to hit a new low, and by that I mean, time to blackout and began hitting on the fat chick next to me. Fortunately for me, the chick next to me wasn't fat, but skinny, but don't get me wrong she was no gem.

     12:25 p.m. - At this point I'm over 20 drinks since 6 PM and have hit "Brosner drunk". The chick next to me is into me, and I'm buying all the stock tonight, stock in what? Stock in the best damn train line known to man AKA the Poundtown Express.

   
     12:45-1:20 a.m. - I've finished my game, the party is building, but I'm dropping faster then Bill Clinton's pants. I snag the slam piece that was sitting next to me, give her a bullshit excuse to leave so her friends don't follow, and head out. On the stumbling walk back a few typical things went down: Hooking up, sitting down and hooking up, unhooking her bra, fingerblasting her, and her grabbing my package all the way back to my room, in a way that everyone could see, it was a high in my memory of broments. I front a text to Snowman that I'm heading up with a slam piece, and he better leave the room or he will see more of the conductor then he ever wishes.

     1:25-1:30 a.m. - We arrive at the elevator, and at this point the slut is giving me a handjob in front of the elevator (hand down my pants, it was rather uncomfortable, but I'm a bro I don't give a fuck). The elevator opens, and sure enough it's Snowman with his slam piece, both looking haggard from hopping off the expressway. He sees my "situation" going on, and as he walks out of the elevator with his slam piece we exchange a broment and commence an epic brofist.

     1:35- 4:15 a.m. - Before I even get into my room (which smelled of sex), my pants were off, her top was missing and I was unbuttoning her pants. I don't even want to know how this looked as we were both slammed, and I was also dealing with being blazed. Now I give this slam piece one thing, she loved to give dome, and I mean LOVED to give dome. She went to town for 20 minutes allowing me to just chill, the only way it could have been better was if I had a sandwhich and was owning bitches in COD. I eventually stop her, and proceed to go to fucking Poundtown USA, and I'm the Mayor.

     4:15- 5:00 a.m. - So far pretty standard for a bro at this point, however this is where the dynamite goes boom. I start to feel something moist by my thighs, and I mean like the fucking coast of Japan moist. I flip the lights on and I'm in shock. A puddle of blood about 8' x 8' is built up on my comforter, and as I look around, her vag is covered in blood, my fingers are covered in blood, my dick is covered in blood, I run to the mirror and I have blood trails around my mouth (don't judge). There is literally blood everywhere, legs, chest, her stomach, and to top it off a faint bloody handprint on the white wall, it looked like a scene out of a shitty slasher film by Robert Rodriguez. I was a deer in the headlights, no words could sum up this experience, I just stood there ass naked covered in blood looking at the scene. She immediately started freaking out, and began to formulate a worse apology then Kermit Washington. I informed her I would take a shower and when I'm out she better be gone, and take the damn comforter with her and wash that shit.


     5:15- 5:30 a.m. - Snowman comes back up informing me of his adventure, and he takes one look at my bed, the wall, the sink, my rug, the bloody condom (which was only used for the first hour), and he walks out the room without saying a word. I dry off, and clean myself better then I ever will in my life, and proceed to clean some of the blood off the wall and remove the evidence from the room. Snowman comes back and I told him the story of how I got my "Red Wings" and "Dracula" medals. He tells me about his slam piece and it turns out the girls were roommates so while I was taking my slut to poundtown he was taking her roommate to the same destination.


     5:50- 6:00 a.m. - We crack open a celebratory Natty and attempt to beat the sun to sleep, but alas it was not to be. Comforter Girl had returned with "the Comforter", and didn't just knock, but pounded the shit out of my door. Snowman and I had blacked out, but the rest of my floor had not. Beaner opens the door to a haggard looking slut with running mascara, dried blood on her legs, and a comforter in her arms. But it wasn't just Beaner that opened a door, NO, the entire side of my floor, RA included opened their doors to witness this debacle. Beaner later informed me she wouldn't give my comforter to anyone but me, and when I wasn't there she full sprinted back onto the elevator.


     The Next Day - I got my comforter back, but was pressed with more questions then Charlie Sheen after banging a seven gram rock, which is bro as shit. Everybody on the floor wanted to hear about it, and so they did. She is known as Comforter Girl and is still referred by that to this day. It solidified me as Broseidon Lord of the Brocean of my entire Dorm, it spread like Herpes in Vegas.

     It was on the 23rd of October 2009, that this shitshow transpired, and it turned out she was on her period. Since then I have attained my "Red Wings" on one other occasion (not counting virgins). For those bros out there wondering, I do still use that comforter, and yes a slight stain is there, reminding me every night before I go to sleep.

     A further look back reminds me of a night that changed it all for me. This was my first fuck that resulted in such a dramatic ending that It had become legend. It's been over a month since the last post, but the reason being that I needed to sit down and do this justice. There is really 2 tales worth of content to tell, maybe that will come out later.

 

And as I sit here looking at the same comforter as in the story, 2 years after the fact, I laugh. Not because of the blood stain, but rather the dried vaginal fluid from last Saturday night, but unlike blood I don't really mind, remember take BroKing Sheen's advice, "Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh." Bros are the Shit.

#2 - First Night of College

Tale #2 - First Night of College

August 7th, 2009 - Age 18

     Two years had passed by since I had gone through the first night of my path of a bro. I had been dormant since that night and had been coasting through the rest of my high school career on a combination of weed, small high school parties, and getting dome. However like any bro, I was sick and tired of bitches not putting out after a night of fun and was ready for the elusive fun that is college. We all have seen the movies, and we all want to do what the bro's of Animal House did, so being a young aspiring bro, I not only wanted to partake in those actions, but rather top it. Like the wise Theodore Broosevelt once said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."

     12:30 p.m. - Got my things all packed away, and was literally pushing my parents and sister out the door and was preparing for the drive to college, and all the while running images of slam pieces in my bed.

     3:00 p.m. - Arrived at the University and immediately was greeted by my roommate, a 6'2 360lb monster of a bro. For the sake of not busting his relationship up with his bro-hater girlfriend we will call him by his nickname, Snowman. I Was then approached be a short, stocky Colombian who turned out to be my suitemate, Beaner.

     3:30-7:00 p.m. -During this span of time Snowman, Beaner, myself, and my parents moved things in to this aspiring bro-pad. However we were not doing one key thing - drinking.

     7:30 p.m. - Everything was moved in, I began to get the smell of alcohol and was raring to go. Parents were leaving me on my own, and it was here at this moment that my father and I shared a broment. He looked dead in my eye gave me a nod and said "Make it happen". My mother interpreted this as academic encouragement, where as my dad and I both knew it meant, "Drink hard, Drink long, slay muff." And so they left.

     7:31-8 p.m. - Arrived back to my room to witness Snowman hanging up a monster sized Miller Light towel on the wall, we exchanged looks and began planning the night. He pulled out a 3 ft. long, 1 inch diameter tubing beer bong and began retelling stories of victory and defeat at the hands of that little demon. We discussed our drinking prowess, chicks we've banged out, and most importantly our skill at beer pong, the game of the bro.

The following timeline is not exact due to the blackout status you will come to read, but

a good assumption of when the acts transpired, and a faithful retelling I've collected from most of the attendees:

     9 p.m. - Snowman and I began pounding a sixer of Natty like it's going out of style. We shotgun beers in the shower, and then funnel two a piece to end the well spent life of the six pack. Amount of time passed - 5 minutes.

         

     9:25 p.m. - Two random sluts come up from the floor below and proceed to pound on our door. Now if you're a bro, you best believe I was looking into railing out at least one, if not both right then, and there. I answered the door just to receive an earful from these bro-hater sluts telling me how Snowman and I were making making an "obnoxious amount of noise". Before I could even mutter a word, Snowman yells from the room, "TELL THAT DUMB ASS BITCH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SUCK MY DICK", and with that I shut the door, never to hear from them again.

     
     10:00 p.m. - Snowman and I decide it's time to find a banger, and it took us no more then just a walk downstairs. We see a group of sluts amassing, and we join their party.

  
     10:30 p.m. - A short walk later, we arrive at a houseparty and are greeted with a keg, cases of beer, shots, and women. Snowman and I get downs on the next game of beer pong.

     10:45 p.m. - After meeting everyone, Snowman and I hop on the pong table using a team name I pulled out my ass, Team Froman. We began talking shit like it's going out of style, acting as if we were responsible for the crash of the Ottoman Empire. Nobody had any idea we just met 7 hours prior and have never lined up on a table together before.

     10:45-1:00 a.m. - So began the greatest run in beer pong I have ever participated in. Over two hours on the table, and 17 consecutive wins later we were crowned champions of the house. Not only did we go 17 straight games without a loss, but the only reason we quit was because we tapped the keg, and used all the beer in the house. Nobody was sober to beer run, and at this point we wanted to hit on sluts, and nobody had the tenacity to challenge us, so it was a win-win. I have only had the pleasure of tying this record once after, but never have I experienced a better team effort then this night, 17 wins - 3 skunks, 2 overtime victorys, and 1 double overtime victory. Our record sent Sugar Ray Leonard into a coma, it read like Bro-King Tiger Woods sexual history.

     1:30-2:45 a.m. - It's around this time that I'm pissing like someone blew the Hoover Dam to shit, and I'm leaking all the water that it bottled up behind it. It's also around this time that I come to grips that I am blackout drunk and am having trouble standing, so I sit. Not only do I sit, but I sit at a table that is starting up a game of, "Time to hit Brosner drunk", also known as Kings or Ring of Fire. And it is at this time that Snowman is on the couch doing what all bros do best, hitting on slam piees.

     3 a.m. - Snowman and I are slammed at this point and come to the realization that the party is ending not by the fact there is no more liquor, but by the fact there is a kid swimming in his own vomit in the bathtub passed out, with vomit all over him, and the floor surrounding the tub.

     3:30 a.m. - Paramedics and Police arrive just as we are leaving the house. We witness the Paramedics take this hammered sole into an ambulance, and with one last English sentence I remember muttering, "We lost a lot of good men out there", and with that we walked back and ended our first night of college.

     It was on the 7th of August 2009,my first night of college that all of this transpired, and this only set off my raging. Since then I have raged to the point that this seems child's play. However this night will forever hold dear, do to the sheer fact it was the first night of college.

     A further look back reminds me of a night with many empty plot holes, and how things ended up the way they did. This is why there is a two week delay in this new Tale, but god damn if it wasn't fun recalling it.

 

And as I sit here shit-hammered writing this after a night of being a bro-i-fied asshole, I realize bros are the shit.

#1 - The Broment of High School

Tale #1 - The Broment of High School

April 18th, 2007 - Age 16 (7 days after birthday)

     Any bro that holds any credibility knows that at some point during that joke of a time period known as High School, there was a broment that you knew you solidified your standing as a bro. If making captain of the soccer team stands out, then you are not a bro, but rather a grade-A douchebag. On the contrary, if slamming back brew and getting dome in a bathroom of a house party stands out, then sir I hereby knight you bro-worthy, the highest honor a bro can be adorned with.

     5:30 p.m. - Received a phone call from my bro about a house party (to end all house party's) that is going down and there is going be the following, but not limited too: Slam Pieces, Beer, Weed, Plentiful Handles, and the heavy potential of a quick fuck. For any bro who knows what it was like to be freshly 16, and full well knowing you can attend this party, you best believe I readied my tickets to Pound Town, and began preparing for a night of blackout sex. (Keep in mind that while this is now standard issue of an older bro, a young bro seizes this opportunity harder then he seizes a drunk slam piece.)

     6:45 p.m. - After fully preparing myself for a night that would prove to be pivotal, it now came time to make a plan to leave the house, and have a reason why I shouldn't have to be back by the 11 p.m. curfew imposed on me by the bro-hater combo of: Parents, and Cops.

     7:30 p.m. - Dinner with the family, and the prime opportunity to lay down the law. What did I say you ask? What didn't I say, I kept changing the story in order to find out what they would agree with. Ending up on something like going to see a movie, and from there chillin at a friends house. Like any good bro who knows how to deliver a lie, I owned that shit.

     9 p.m. - Meet up with the bros, unfortunately we lost a lot of good men out there as one of the bro's was being held hostage by his parents and considering he didn't have a car we had to abandon him, a regrettable action for an unforeseen broblock. (To this day he hears of this night, and is not pleased to say the least, don't be alarmed he fucked a Swedish chick he knew for 5 min. later in life.)

     10 p.m. - After some minor detours we pull up to the house, cars parked all over the place including in the middle of the road, the usual couple out front, and the sound of rage coming from the back, we knew we arrived. We pile out rolling deep like any group of wingbro's does, and head for the back. We are greeted with the smell of weed, the yells of drunks, and the sights of young women frolicking in the pool. My bros and I exchanged fist bumps and proceeded to enter.

The following timeline is not exact but

a good assumption of when the acts transpired:

     10:10 p.m. - After greeting the masses and receiving the praise of the sluts, I began the night off with some hits off of a bong we had aptly named, "The Professor", a 5ft beauty that was $600 of pure rage.

          

          10:15 p.m. - First Bowl Tapped

          10:20 p.m. - Second Bowl Tapped

     10:25 p.m. - Took time out of the rotation in order to shotgun a Pabst, the drink of a bro.

          10:30 p.m. - Third Bowl Tapped

          10:35 p.m. - Fourth Bowl Tapped

     10:40 p.m. - So here I am blazed out of my mind, a very non-bro mistake. Only one beer, no liquor, and social skills are impaired terribly.

    
     10:50 p.m. - After being glued to the bong since I arrived, I decided it was time to go bag a slam piece, only I couldn't move. I eventually did gain the strength to stand only to stumble into another chair in which case I didn't feel right. The high was different, (for example I started to see purple elephants marching around) and it was around this time that I was rightfully freaking out. (Turns out it was laced with LSD, there is a major lesson to be learned here, but I don't give a fuck to find out what it is.)

     11:00 p.m. - Despite my condition I still managed to pull a chick on my lap, and from there in true bro fashion, proceeded to go for a fingerblast session. After a few minutes of openingly exploiting her in the living room in front of a crowd she decides it's time to move. Anyway, this all ends up in the bathroom in which I receive dome.

     11:10-11:25 p.m. - Dome in bathroom, after finishing she passes out in the bathtub, I walk out zipping my pants, a girl takes note I look at her and laugh all while extending my finger for her to smell, a classic asshole move.

     11:30-1:30 a.m. - This is where I blackout from smoking too much, however the following day I was told I continued to smoke, shotgunned a series of beers that then progressed into drinking Rum and coke to cure the cottonmouth. The rum I slightly recall drinking only due to the after taste that lingered for a while after the party ended which is around the corner.

     1:45 a.m. - Me and only one of the fellow bros decide to leave as we are hungry and want to hit up a Denny's. We enter my car and began to drive off, only to be greeted by an officer driving in the opposite direction. He flashed his spotlight into my windshield as we passed and he continued towards the party. Being decent bros we gave a warning call to the party-goers. We don't know the exact details of what happened after the cop arrived, but no arrests were made, everybody hid and multiple parking tickets were given out.

     2:30 a.m. - After finishing at the Denny's I drop my bro off and head back home, and my first night of hard raging has ended.

     It was on the 18th of April 2007, that all of this went down (exatcly one week after turning 16.). This night was a crucial turning point into forever solidifying my bro-ship and altering my life course straight to Pound Town U.S.A. Keep in mind I did rage before this night, but just not on this scale, this was a college sized party disguised in a high school environment, and compared to the shit I do now it's not as impressive, but for the time it was rage.

     Further looking back on the night, it wasn't that it was the most bro or that it was the biggest rager thrown, but it proved to be one of the first moments I was exposed to the various attitudes I now posses such as: asshole behavior, drinking and driving, dome in bathrooms, shotgunning at inappropriate times...

 

And as I sit here wearing brotire in some bullshit feminist class full of bro-haters, it becomes vividly clear, that bros are the shit.