Tale #1 - The Broment of High School
April 18th, 2007 - Age 16 (7 days after birthday)
Any bro that holds any credibility knows that at some point during that joke of a time period known as High School, there was a broment that you knew you solidified your standing as a bro. If making captain of the soccer team stands out, then you are not a bro, but rather a grade-A douchebag. On the contrary, if slamming back brew and getting dome in a bathroom of a house party stands out, then sir I hereby knight you bro-worthy, the highest honor a bro can be adorned with.
5:30 p.m. - Received a phone call from my bro about a house party (to end all house party's) that is going down and there is going be the following, but not limited too: Slam Pieces, Beer, Weed, Plentiful Handles, and the heavy potential of a quick fuck. For any bro who knows what it was like to be freshly 16, and full well knowing you can attend this party, you best believe I readied my tickets to Pound Town, and began preparing for a night of blackout sex. (Keep in mind that while this is now standard issue of an older bro, a young bro seizes this opportunity harder then he seizes a drunk slam piece.)
6:45 p.m. - After fully preparing myself for a night that would prove to be pivotal, it now came time to make a plan to leave the house, and have a reason why I shouldn't have to be back by the 11 p.m. curfew imposed on me by the bro-hater combo of: Parents, and Cops.
7:30 p.m. - Dinner with the family, and the prime opportunity to lay down the law. What did I say you ask? What didn't I say, I kept changing the story in order to find out what they would agree with. Ending up on something like going to see a movie, and from there chillin at a friends house. Like any good bro who knows how to deliver a lie, I owned that shit.
9 p.m. - Meet up with the bros, unfortunately we lost a lot of good men out there as one of the bro's was being held hostage by his parents and considering he didn't have a car we had to abandon him, a regrettable action for an unforeseen broblock. (To this day he hears of this night, and is not pleased to say the least, don't be alarmed he fucked a Swedish chick he knew for 5 min. later in life.)
10 p.m. - After some minor detours we pull up to the house, cars parked all over the place including in the middle of the road, the usual couple out front, and the sound of rage coming from the back, we knew we arrived. We pile out rolling deep like any group of wingbro's does, and head for the back. We are greeted with the smell of weed, the yells of drunks, and the sights of young women frolicking in the pool. My bros and I exchanged fist bumps and proceeded to enter.
The following timeline is not exact but
a good assumption of when the acts transpired:
10:10 p.m. - After greeting the masses and receiving the praise of the sluts, I began the night off with some hits off of a bong we had aptly named, "The Professor", a 5ft beauty that was $600 of pure rage.
10:15 p.m. - First Bowl Tapped
10:20 p.m. - Second Bowl Tapped
10:25 p.m. - Took time out of the rotation in order to shotgun a Pabst, the drink of a bro.
10:30 p.m. - Third Bowl Tapped
10:35 p.m. - Fourth Bowl Tapped
10:40 p.m. - So here I am blazed out of my mind, a very non-bro mistake. Only one beer, no liquor, and social skills are impaired terribly.
10:50 p.m. - After being glued to the bong since I arrived, I decided it was time to go bag a slam piece, only I couldn't move. I eventually did gain the strength to stand only to stumble into another chair in which case I didn't feel right. The high was different, (for example I started to see purple elephants marching around) and it was around this time that I was rightfully freaking out. (Turns out it was laced with LSD, there is a major lesson to be learned here, but I don't give a fuck to find out what it is.)
11:00 p.m. - Despite my condition I still managed to pull a chick on my lap, and from there in true bro fashion, proceeded to go for a fingerblast session. After a few minutes of openingly exploiting her in the living room in front of a crowd she decides it's time to move. Anyway, this all ends up in the bathroom in which I receive dome.
11:10-11:25 p.m. - Dome in bathroom, after finishing she passes out in the bathtub, I walk out zipping my pants, a girl takes note I look at her and laugh all while extending my finger for her to smell, a classic asshole move.
11:30-1:30 a.m. - This is where I blackout from smoking too much, however the following day I was told I continued to smoke, shotgunned a series of beers that then progressed into drinking Rum and coke to cure the cottonmouth. The rum I slightly recall drinking only due to the after taste that lingered for a while after the party ended which is around the corner.
1:45 a.m. - Me and only one of the fellow bros decide to leave as we are hungry and want to hit up a Denny's. We enter my car and began to drive off, only to be greeted by an officer driving in the opposite direction. He flashed his spotlight into my windshield as we passed and he continued towards the party. Being decent bros we gave a warning call to the party-goers. We don't know the exact details of what happened after the cop arrived, but no arrests were made, everybody hid and multiple parking tickets were given out.
2:30 a.m. - After finishing at the Denny's I drop my bro off and head back home, and my first night of hard raging has ended.
It was on the 18th of April 2007, that all of this went down (exatcly one week after turning 16.). This night was a crucial turning point into forever solidifying my bro-ship and altering my life course straight to Pound Town U.S.A. Keep in mind I did rage before this night, but just not on this scale, this was a college sized party disguised in a high school environment, and compared to the shit I do now it's not as impressive, but for the time it was rage.
Further looking back on the night, it wasn't that it was the most bro or that it was the biggest rager thrown, but it proved to be one of the first moments I was exposed to the various attitudes I now posses such as: asshole behavior, drinking and driving, dome in bathrooms, shotgunning at inappropriate times...
And as I sit here wearing brotire in some bullshit feminist class full of bro-haters, it becomes vividly clear, that bros are the shit.
