Tale #2 - First Night of College
August 7th, 2009 - Age 18
Two years had passed by since I had gone through the first night of my path of a bro. I had been dormant since that night and had been coasting through the rest of my high school career on a combination of weed, small high school parties, and getting dome. However like any bro, I was sick and tired of bitches not putting out after a night of fun and was ready for the elusive fun that is college. We all have seen the movies, and we all want to do what the bro's of Animal House did, so being a young aspiring bro, I not only wanted to partake in those actions, but rather top it. Like the wise Theodore Broosevelt once said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
12:30 p.m. - Got my things all packed away, and was literally pushing my parents and sister out the door and was preparing for the drive to college, and all the while running images of slam pieces in my bed.
3:00 p.m. - Arrived at the University and immediately was greeted by my roommate, a 6'2 360lb monster of a bro. For the sake of not busting his relationship up with his bro-hater girlfriend we will call him by his nickname, Snowman. I Was then approached be a short, stocky Colombian who turned out to be my suitemate, Beaner.
3:30-7:00 p.m. -During this span of time Snowman, Beaner, myself, and my parents moved things in to this aspiring bro-pad. However we were not doing one key thing - drinking.
7:30 p.m. - Everything was moved in, I began to get the smell of alcohol and was raring to go. Parents were leaving me on my own, and it was here at this moment that my father and I shared a broment. He looked dead in my eye gave me a nod and said "Make it happen". My mother interpreted this as academic encouragement, where as my dad and I both knew it meant, "Drink hard, Drink long, slay muff." And so they left.
7:31-8 p.m. - Arrived back to my room to witness Snowman hanging up a monster sized Miller Light towel on the wall, we exchanged looks and began planning the night. He pulled out a 3 ft. long, 1 inch diameter tubing beer bong and began retelling stories of victory and defeat at the hands of that little demon. We discussed our drinking prowess, chicks we've banged out, and most importantly our skill at beer pong, the game of the bro.
The following timeline is not exact due to the blackout status you will come to read, but
a good assumption of when the acts transpired, and a faithful retelling I've collected from most of the attendees:
9 p.m. - Snowman and I began pounding a sixer of Natty like it's going out of style. We shotgun beers in the shower, and then funnel two a piece to end the well spent life of the six pack. Amount of time passed - 5 minutes.
9:25 p.m. - Two random sluts come up from the floor below and proceed to pound on our door. Now if you're a bro, you best believe I was looking into railing out at least one, if not both right then, and there. I answered the door just to receive an earful from these bro-hater sluts telling me how Snowman and I were making making an "obnoxious amount of noise". Before I could even mutter a word, Snowman yells from the room, "TELL THAT DUMB ASS BITCH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SUCK MY DICK", and with that I shut the door, never to hear from them again.
10:00 p.m. - Snowman and I decide it's time to find a banger, and it took us no more then just a walk downstairs. We see a group of sluts amassing, and we join their party.
10:30 p.m. - A short walk later, we arrive at a houseparty and are greeted with a keg, cases of beer, shots, and women. Snowman and I get downs on the next game of beer pong.
10:45 p.m. - After meeting everyone, Snowman and I hop on the pong table using a team name I pulled out my ass, Team Froman. We began talking shit like it's going out of style, acting as if we were responsible for the crash of the Ottoman Empire. Nobody had any idea we just met 7 hours prior and have never lined up on a table together before.
10:45-1:00 a.m. - So began the greatest run in beer pong I have ever participated in. Over two hours on the table, and 17 consecutive wins later we were crowned champions of the house. Not only did we go 17 straight games without a loss, but the only reason we quit was because we tapped the keg, and used all the beer in the house. Nobody was sober to beer run, and at this point we wanted to hit on sluts, and nobody had the tenacity to challenge us, so it was a win-win. I have only had the pleasure of tying this record once after, but never have I experienced a better team effort then this night, 17 wins - 3 skunks, 2 overtime victorys, and 1 double overtime victory. Our record sent Sugar Ray Leonard into a coma, it read like Bro-King Tiger Woods sexual history.
1:30-2:45 a.m. - It's around this time that I'm pissing like someone blew the Hoover Dam to shit, and I'm leaking all the water that it bottled up behind it. It's also around this time that I come to grips that I am blackout drunk and am having trouble standing, so I sit. Not only do I sit, but I sit at a table that is starting up a game of, "Time to hit Brosner drunk", also known as Kings or Ring of Fire. And it is at this time that Snowman is on the couch doing what all bros do best, hitting on slam piees.
3 a.m. - Snowman and I are slammed at this point and come to the realization that the party is ending not by the fact there is no more liquor, but by the fact there is a kid swimming in his own vomit in the bathtub passed out, with vomit all over him, and the floor surrounding the tub.
3:30 a.m. - Paramedics and Police arrive just as we are leaving the house. We witness the Paramedics take this hammered sole into an ambulance, and with one last English sentence I remember muttering, "We lost a lot of good men out there", and with that we walked back and ended our first night of college.
It was on the 7th of August 2009,my first night of college that all of this transpired, and this only set off my raging. Since then I have raged to the point that this seems child's play. However this night will forever hold dear, do to the sheer fact it was the first night of college.
A further look back reminds me of a night with many empty plot holes, and how things ended up the way they did. This is why there is a two week delay in this new Tale, but god damn if it wasn't fun recalling it.
And as I sit here shit-hammered writing this after a night of being a bro-i-fied asshole, I realize bros are the shit.
